Pairings: Multiple – slash and het (consider yourselves warned *g*) Mainly Rodney/Radek.
Summary: What bored female scientists do with their spare time.
Spoilers: Mild series 2.
Disclaimer: Not mine, all belong to people way smarter and richer than me.
Notes: Complete fluff, bought to you by intense boredom. Thanks to noctuabunda and azicrow for the wonderful betas and tons of encouragement.
Rodney stormed into the lab, his bad mood hanging around him like an almost palpable black cloud. Today had not been a good day. The water purification system had broken down, which meant he spent the morning wading in cold, dirty water and the shower in his quarters had decided it was only going to work sporadically. To top it all off, by the time he’d gotten to lunch all the chocolate pudding was gone.
He longed for the peace and quiet of his favourite lab; unfortunately as he walked in he was met with a strange repetitive, high-pitched shrieking sound. He looked around to place it and saw Miko and Simpson giggling in the corner. Giggling? Were two of his top scientists giggling over an open laptop? He strode over to see what was going on, but Simpson hastily closed the laptop whilst Miko looked embarrassed, her cheeks flushed a bright pink, and avoided eye contact.
“What are you doing?”, he demanded.
“Nothing, we were just on a break”, Simpson replied nonchalantly.
“Fine, get back to work.” Rodney didn’t have the energy to deal with this. He’d just ask Radek later. Somehow he always seemed know everything was going on.
“My understanding of it is that it is a complicated numerological algorithm that they designed in order to indicate the levels of social and sexual compatibility between two individuals.” Radek explained calmly whilst continuing to fix the circuits in front of him.
Rodney had dropped his power bar on the table and was looking at his friend in disbelief, “what?”
“I believe they called it a ‘Love-O-Meter’”.
“A Love Meter?” Rodney spluttered although he wasn’t quite sure why he was taking this so personally. “If they have time for such frivolous endeavours, then obviously we’re not giving them enough work.”
“On the contrary, they’ve been spending all their free time on it, and still it’s been in progress for several months. It seems quite sensible, taking into consideration factors such as physical attraction, ability to interact, common leisure pursuits, and displays the results as likelihood of two individuals having a successful relationship.”
“What? How are those even encoded? And how would an algorithm be able to judge physical attraction?”
“Ah, for this you will have to ask them, I was a little distracted after seeing your results with Miko come out as 75%.” Radek answered with a poorly suppressed smirk.
“Well that just proves my point. I am not attracted to Miko. She’s so short...” He stopped at Radek’s glare. “Not that there’s anything wrong with being short…it’s just that I … I’ve always been more interested in tall and blonde, like Sam Carter...hmmm…Sam...I wonder what we would get…”
“58%” Radek supplied in a terse tone. “Sorry, Simpson theorised that 70% would be best cut off point. If you go any lower, relationship is doomed from the beginning”. Rodney looked momentarily sombre so Radek continued. “However, if tall is your criteria you might be interested to know that you scored an 80 with Colonel Sheppard.” Radek still sounded a little tense, Rodney thought, considering the subject matter. He was obviously taking the short comment a little too much to heart.
“Colonel Sheppard?” Rodney didn’t know whether to be insulted or flattered, before another thought hit him. “Wait, how many of these have you tried already?”
Radek shrugged non-committally, “Everyone seems to be interested. I imagine due to the lack of American soap operas, this is next best thing. I hear they are having an open session in the mess hall this evening.”
“Yes, well some of us are actually busy. Speaking of, did you plan on finishing this sometime before the next Wraith attack?”
“Ubožáku” Radek muttered, leaving Rodney with no doubts as to the intention.
Miko and Simpson were on a centre table with an impressively large crowd surrounding them, when Rodney got to the mess. He was only here to have his dinner of course, before heading back to finish his notes on the power consumption of the lighting system. He noticed that both the Colonel and Radek were there already. Seriously he expected better from some people. And if he happened to have his almost mashed potatoes with some sort of meat-that-doesn’t-contain-citrus-so-let’s-j
He could hear the hysterical laughter and odd snippets of conversation drift over.
He heard Sheppard taunting Kavanaugh: “Yeah I’ve seen you check out the Major’s ass.” He waited for the reply but for the first time ever Kavanaugh seemed to be speechless and then left in a hurry. Lorne for his part just looked horrified and squeaked, “Quick, try someone different!”
He tried not to snort when Ronon and Teyla came out as 94%. It was a good thing Teyla wasn’t here he thought, or somebody would be in trouble.
He wondered why Carson was getting so much sympathy, and why Cadman looked a little upset.
He tried not to pay attention to the catcalls each time Sheppard was entered with anyone, gleaning that he’d gotten a 95% with Elizabeth and had not done too badly with most of the rest of the population. ‘Typical’ he thought ‘so the 80% we achieved didn’t mean much then, Sheppard just can’t stop himself from flirting with everything that moves.’
What made him actually go over to them though was the proclamation that at 86% Carson and Radek were Atlantis’s top science couple. It had to be curiosity that made his chest tight he told himself.
“I can’t believe you’re all taking part in this inane idea. It’s obviously based on flawed logic.” He declared as he walked over.
“Rodney, are you worried that you’ll prove to be less popular than Caldwell?” Sheppard quipped.
“Yes well with your reputation as Captain Kirk, I’m sure it would seem that the rest of us fall short”, Rodney retorted.
Sheppard had a decency to look slightly embarrassed at that, but replied simply with “Hey, I’m just a popular guy.”
“We could try putting you in, Dr. McKay”, Miko suggested hopefully.
Rodney rolled his eyes, but before he could stop it Sheppard had typed in Rodney McKay with Hermiod. The resulting 88% had gotten a laugh from most of the crowd and a smirk from Sheppard. Rodney looked disturbed but strangely thoughtful for a moment before waving his hands and saying “Very funny, Colonel. What, you think no-one from Earth would be interested?”
Miko almost choked on a sip of water, whilst Carson rubbed a hand over her back reassuringly. McKay ignored her resolutely.
Simpson started running through a list of names, she suspected would work with McKay. Katie Brown, Lorne and Ronon all did pretty well. Katie smiled at him sweetly, whilst Lorne decided it was his turn to leave in a hurry and Ronan looked him up and down as if he were sizing him up. Rodney was getting progressively more nervous.
On a hunch, Sheppard leaned over and put in Radek Zelenka and the whole room erupted in cheers as the screen flashed in red with a huge 98% with little floating red hearts.
“Wow, that’s a new record.” Simpson gasped in awe, then added “Sorry Radek” with a smile.
Rodney felt his throat constrict and somehow managed to make more disparaging comments on the validity of a “love meter” before leaving, in a way that was not at all undignified, to finish his work. On his way out he heard Carson exclaim in mock hurt at Radek’s betrayal and smiled despite himself.
Radek caught up with him in the corridor outside the lab a few minutes later.
“I think Miko is after my blood”, he stated matter-of-factly.
Rodney tried to think of something smart to say in return. Usually he was good at smart, but when he was still blank a few minutes later, he decided to go with the truth. “I’m not interested in Miko.”
“Oh, of course. You are not interested in people who are short.” Radek had always been good at controlling his voice; his emotions could only be read if he wished them to be. Rodney was never more annoyed with that ability than right now.
So he tried again keeping his voice as sincere as possible: “Miko is not my type. I would prefer someone who doesn’t always do exactly as I suggest; someone I work well with and respect intellectually; someone whom I consider a friend.” He ticked off on his fingers. “Short, I could get used to.” He moved in a little closer and made eye contact with the other man. Surprised briefly that he’d never noticed what a startling shade of blue-grey those eyes were.
Radek also stepped closer so they were within touching distance. “Well then I suppose I will have to get used to obnoxious and egotistical”, he teased and then kissed him hard before giving him a chance to protest.
Ubožáku – miserable man.