Maria (ria_fics) wrote,

Nutcracker Atlantis, Gen.

Title: Nutcracker Atlantis
Rating: PG
Summary: Disney takes over Atlantis. Pure CRACK!
Word Count: 1287
Disclaimer: Nothing from either the Disney or Stargate universes belongs to me.
Note: Written for planetkiller in the kavtolanon secret santa challenge.

It had been a pretty standard away mission, Kavanagh reflected. Lt. Reynolds and the grunts made nice with the locals whilst he and Bryce examined the volatile properties of the local ore. Well he examined, Bryce spend most of it babbling about being on a different planet, like he hadn’t noticed. The quality of the scientists they were getting was dropping at an exponential rate; soon they’d all be nothing more than McKay’s minions. He sighed heavily to himself as he dialled up the gate. He still hadn’t completely gotten used to thinking of Atlantis as home, but after two long nights sharing a tent with a grunt who had a serious nasal congestion problem, he was looking forward to getting back.

He stepped through the ‘gate, becoming overwhelmed by the bone-numbing cold that you never truly got used to and stepped out on to…someplace that looked strangely like the set of Fantasia. He turned to look at the others, seeing equally confused expressions. The grunts had already raised their weapons. What did they think they were going to do? Shoot Mickey Mouse? He looked back at the surroundings and started to notice things that were familiar, and not from a badly remembered children’s movie.

“I think we’re in Atlantis.” He said, in a carefully measured tone. And then Donald Duck approached them. “Or perhaps another similar Ancient city.”

“No, it’s Atlantis.” Donald spoke, in his caricatured voice, but with a hint of a Canadian accent. If he squinted, the duck looked almost like the ‘gate technician whose name he could never remember.

“What’s going on?” Reynolds’ asked, stepping in front of him.

“We’re not exactly sure….Dr. McKay is trying to figure it out.”

Kavanagh laughed, the craziness of the situation getting to him. He’d never seen Donald Duck frown before; it was a scary thing. “I’ll go see if I can help.” He said quickly, trying to suppress his laughter as he headed to the lab.

The corridors were decorated in the same way. Any other time, it may have been pretty. He walked past Mulan, speaking to herself in rapid fire Chinese in a tone vaquely reminiscent of Miko. He stopped to stare and she blushed, squeaked slightly and sped up.

He was accosted by a large blue ant as soon as he walked in. “It doesn’t affect those who return from off world. That’s something.” The ant said brusquely, the manner completely opposed to the sweet sounding, high pitched voice.

“McKay?” He said, hazarding a guess. “That’s still Doctor McKay to you. Or Chief Scientific Advisor if you prefer.”

He’d only just managed to stop grinning, but this started him up again.

“I’ll have you know Flik was a great thinker.” McKay replied, his large blue eyes glaring. “And at least I don’t have to wear tights.” He continued, glancing back at Peter Pan, who looked suspiciously like a small version of Colonel Sheppard.

“Yes, well at least I have clothes.” Sheppard retorted, walking up to them.

McKay looked down at this naked ant body and fumed, answering back angrily.

Kavanagh ignored them both in favour of continuing to chuckle to himself, this was the best time he’d ever had on this city.

“Dr. Kavanagh, I’m pleased that you’re so amused by this potentially dangerous situation. But perhaps you could put your merriment aside and help us to find a solution.” A harsh, grating voice said.

He looked up to see the evil Queen from Snow White. “Dr. Weir. I should have known!” He replied in delight.

Before any of them could argue any further, a tiny little figure in a top hat and coat shuffled toward them. He stepped in between Peter Pan and the ant, both of them towering above him, yet he managed to gain everyone’s attention when he spoke. “Rodney, perhaps your time would be better spent assisting me. You can quarrel with the Colonel whenever you wish.”

“Oh fine, Jiminy.” McKay said irritably, walking back to the Ancient console.

Kavanagh followed them. “So what, if anything, have you and your band of merry men figured out so far?”

“I am not a merry man.” The Beast, with wilder hair tied in dreadlocks, replied coolly.

“Uh...right…yes.” Kavanagh agreed, turning away from Ronon and back to the scientists.


It took a few hours but eventually Zelenka sitting on Herculean Lorne’s shoulder so he could see the screen, came across the relevant information. It turned out that Katie Brown, who was currently stuck in the bathtub due to her mermaid status, was secretly a Disney fan and had all of the movies uploaded on her personal laptop. Someone had accidentally tripped an Ancient device, which had thought that world was reality and had imposed it onto all of Atlantis. Of course the machine had no reverse setting. It never was that simple.


It wasn’t until the early hours of the next morning that Kavanagh figured out how to switch them all back. It was a few minutes later when he let anyone know about it, taking a moment to consider the consequences of just leaving them as they were.


The effect had been instantaneous and the rest of the morning was about as ordinary as Atlantis ever was. Kavanagh sat in the mess hall eating a breakfast of Mickey Waffles and chocolate milk – apparently someone on the catering staff had a sense of humour.

He ate alone, as he normally did. It didn’t bother him. But he couldn’t help smiling to himself as he overheard snippets of conversation from the next table, where Colonel Sheppard and the rest of the ‘A-team’ sat.

“Dr. Kavanagh, join us?” Zelenka called suddenly.

Kavanagh glanced over, scowl in place, but Teyla and Sheppard were nodding and McKay just sat back and huffed. He picked up his tray and moved to their table.

“We owe you many thanks for fixing this.” Teyla smiled serenely, and he tried not to think of her as the hot-blooded Pocahontas she’d been only a few hours earlier.

“Oh please. I was just about to figure it out.” McKay complained.

“I’m surprised you didn’t turn into Grumpy.” Kavanagh retorted, getting a guffaw out of Ronon.

“Elizabeth insists the Queen was a symbol of her position as head of the expedition and nothing more.” John added to the conversation, getting chuckles from almost everyone.

“I would very much like to know who was Belle.” Radek said, directing the statement toward Ronon, though the reference was above him.

“Cadman.” McKay replied, a little too quickly, getting a raised eyebrow from Carson. “Carson was probably the one who changed the least, isn’t that right Dr. Jookiba?”

“Yes, very funny Rodney.” Carson responded with a long-suffering sigh. “I’m curious to know who you would have been, if you’d been in the city.” He asked Kavanagh.

“Cruella De Vil.” Rodney answered immediately, earning a smack across the back of his head from Sheppard. “Or maybe Eeyore.” He added more sullenly.

“Hmm is Captain Jack Sparrow allowed?” Kavanagh asked with a grin, causing Rodney to complain that they all had to be cartoons and John trying to explain Johnny Depp to Teyla and Ronon.

“I guess I could settle for Prince Charming.” He conceded after McKay’s rant, causing the other scientist to splutter and choke on his food.

Carson patted him on the back, a little harder than necessary whilst Radek laughed. “I think Colonel Sheppard is already sore about not being cast as Prince Charming. We should not rub salt in the wound.”

John tried to protest and the conversation continued, bickering, teasing and chatting. Maybe Atlantis was home after all, Kavanagh thought to himself, as Ronon handed him more syrup for his waffles.
Tags: kavanagh, sga

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